why

god why can't i just end it. am i realy afrade of what i will find if i do. i think about it everydad i want it everyday but i am just tomuch of a cowerd to just end it. i need to step up to somthing in my life even if that is ending it. i couldn't break up with courtney even though i wanted to for like 4 months and i couldn't say no when she asked me out again. the last time we broke up i purposly got realy mean to her so she wouldn't ask me out again. that affects how i am with margar i was verry comfortable and not paranoid with courtney i meen she tryed to get somthing to bother me and it never did. i am terrafied of when margar will break up with me. i constly fear it. i play it out in my head over and over and i get so depressed from thinking of that. i always if the "plays" ask if we can still be frends though in those and that is probly the only thing that scares me more is looseing my friend ship with margar. it funny margar dosn't do anything and i am that paranoid. i don't know if i just realy want it to work with her as long as possable or i have realy changed. i still try to keep up the appecence that i don't care cause it is a sighn of weakness if i show and i know that is stupid but i am a guy and i think like one with that. i can't beleve i am typing this up now. -sigh- well i guess i am done bye bye